Introduction
The most important part of a conversation isn't talking — it's listening. Yet most people spend the time someone else is speaking thinking about what they'll say next. That's "pretending to listen," not real listening. Real listening is an active process of giving the other person your full attention and trying to understand even their feelings. Once you learn the art of listening, the quality of your relationships can change dramatically.
Key Points
Pretending to Listen vs. Really Listening
Pretending to listen: saying "uh-huh, uh-huh" while looking at your phone, hunting for points to argue with while the other person is talking, steering the topic to a similar experience of your own. Really listening: giving the other person your complete attention, trying to grasp the feelings behind the words, setting judgment aside and accepting what they say as it is.
Three Steps to Effective Listening
Step 1, Pay attention: put your phone down, make appropriate eye contact, turn your body toward the other person, and don't interrupt. Step 2, Reflect: restate what the other person said in your own words. When you reflect their feelings with something like "So what you're feeling is...", they feel deeply understood. Step 3, Check: confirm your understanding with questions like "Can I check whether I've understood you correctly?" or "Is there anything else you'd like to say?"
What to Avoid When Listening
Jumping in with advice (unrequested advice can feel dismissive), changing the subject to your own similar experience ("The same thing happened to me..."), minimizing feelings with "It'll be fine," and denying feelings with "You shouldn't think that way."
What the Research Says
According to Carl Rogers' research, "empathic listening" is one of the most important factors in effective counseling. There is research showing that the better a manager listens, the significantly higher team performance and employee satisfaction tend to be (Harvard Business Review, 2018). Gottman's research also found that a spouse's listening ability is a key predictor of marital satisfaction.
How to Practice
- Once today, put your phone completely away during a conversation and just listen.
- After hearing someone out, practice reflecting with "So what you're feeling is..."
- Before giving advice, first ask, "Do you want advice, or would you like me to just listen?"
- Once a day, instead of "How are you?", ask a deeper question like "What's been on your mind lately?"
Applying It to Everyday Life
Turn off the TV during family meals and focus on the conversation. When a coworker shares a worry, try saying, "I understand how you feel." When a child is talking to you, get down to their eye level and listen with your full attention.
Things to Keep in Mind
- Listening doesn't mean agreeing with every opinion. It's an effort to understand.
- Listening can be hard when your energy is depleted. Take care of your own state, too.
- Listening skills take practice. You don't have to be perfect right away.
A Word from Mindy
Just having someone truly listen to you can make your heart feel so much lighter. Today, try giving someone the gift of your full attention. And please share your story with Mindy, too. Mindy is always ready to listen.