Introduction
The sorrow that follows the loss of a loved one is among the deepest pain a human being can experience. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief are widely known, but modern psychology has revealed that grieving is far more complex and personal than that. Here we introduce ways to go through loss in a healthy way, along with the latest understanding that goes beyond the five stages.
Key Points
The Five Stages of Grief and Their Limits
Kübler-Ross's five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are a useful framework for understanding loss, but not everyone experiences them in this order. You may skip a stage, go through several stages at once, or return to an earlier one. What matters is that there is no "right" way to grieve.
The Dual Process Model
Stroebe and Schut's Dual Process Model explains grief as a process of moving back and forth between "loss orientation" (focusing on the sorrow) and "restoration orientation" (efforts to return to daily life). You can laugh even while grieving, and you can fall back into sorrow even after returning to your routine. This oscillation is what healthy grieving looks like.
Continuing Bonds
Modern grief theory moves beyond the traditional view that you must "cut ties" with the person who died, and instead sees "redefining the form of the relationship" as healthy. Talking to the person while looking at their photo, commemorating them on anniversaries, or carrying on their values are all healthy continuing bonds.
Research Evidence
According to Bonanno's research, most people (50–60%) show a "resilience trajectory" after a loss and adapt naturally. About 10–15% develop "complicated grief" and need professional treatment. Complicated Grief Treatment (CGT) has been shown to be effective for this group (JAMA Psychiatry, 2016).
How to Practice
- Don't suppress your sorrow; express it fully. Cry when you feel like crying.
- Share stories about the person you lost with someone you trust.
- Create your own remembrance ritual (writing a letter, visiting a meaningful place).
- Try to keep up basic self-care (eating, sleeping, exercise).
- Grief takes time. Give yourself all the time you need.
Applying It in Daily Life
It is a natural reaction for sorrow to rise on anniversaries and holidays. Plan ahead and keep supportive people close. Recalling good memories of the person and expressing gratitude for them can also help with healing.
Cautions
- Don't pressure anyone with "You need to get over it quickly." There is no time limit on grief.
- If daily functioning has been seriously impaired for more than 6 months, consider the possibility of complicated grief and seek professional help.
- If you have thoughts of suicide, get professional help right away—contact your local emergency number or a suicide crisis line in your area.
A Word from Mindy
It hurts as much as you loved, and you loved as much as it hurts. That sorrow is another name for love. As time passes, the pain will soften little by little, and the love will remain as warm memories. Mindy will be right beside you through that time.