Four Horsemen of Relationships

What Are the Four Horsemen of Relationships?

The Four Horsemen of Relationships are four destructive communication patterns identified by relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman through decades of couples research. Let's explore them together with Mindy.

The Four Horsemen

Criticism: Attacking your partner's character or personality rather than their specific behavior. It often appears with words like 'always' or 'never,' such as 'Why are you always like this?'

Contempt: An attitude of looking down on your partner through mockery, sarcasm, or eye-rolling. Gottman identified this as the single strongest predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness: Making excuses or counter-attacking in response to your partner's concerns. It reflects an unwillingness to accept responsibility for one's part in a problem.

Stonewalling: Completely shutting down and building a wall during conflict. It shows up as refusing to respond, withdrawing from the conversation, or ignoring your partner entirely.

The Antidotes

Gottman also proposed an antidote for each horseman. Instead of criticism, use a gentle start-up; instead of contempt, offer respect and appreciation; instead of defensiveness, practice taking responsibility; and instead of stonewalling, use self-soothing before re-engaging in conversation.

A Word from Mindy

Mindy wants you to know: anyone can fall into these patterns from time to time. What matters is recognizing them and consciously choosing a different approach.