Flying Monkey

Flying monkey is a concept that frequently appears in narcissistic abuse. It refers to when a narcissist uses people around them to monitor, manipulate, or harass a victim when direct contact is difficult.

Roles of a Flying Monkey

Information Gathering

They casually find out what the victim has been up to — asking things like 'How have you been lately?' or 'Who are you seeing?' — and report back to the narcissist.

Proxy Attacks

They instill guilt in the victim on the narcissist's behalf, saying things like 'You really shouldn't have done that' or 'Do you know how much pain you've caused them?'

Image Management

They take the narcissist's side and invalidate the victim's experience, saying things like 'They would never do something like that' or 'Are you sure you're not misunderstanding?'

Why Do Flying Monkeys Cooperate?

How to Deal with Flying Monkeys

1. Recognize the Pattern

If someone is consistently passing along messages from a specific person or trying to bring that person up in conversation, they may be acting as a flying monkey.

2. Limit Information

Don't share personal information with flying monkeys. Anything you share may be passed along to the narcissist.

3. Set Boundaries

Clearly state: 'I'd rather not talk about that person.'

4. Try Explaining Your Situation

If the flying monkey is a well-meaning person, you can try explaining what you've been going through. However, if they don't understand, it may be necessary to create some distance. If you'd like support in navigating these situations, Mindy is here to help you think it through.