Stonewalling

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is one of the Four Horsemen of relationship destruction identified by Dr. John Gottman. It refers to completely cutting off communication during conflict — refusing to respond to the other person's words, avoiding eye contact, staying silent, or physically leaving the situation.

Why Do People Stonewall?

In most cases, stonewalling happens when someone feels emotionally overwhelmed. When a person receives too much criticism or blame and can no longer cope, the mind automatically shuts down. While this is a psychological self-protection response, it has deeply harmful effects on relationships.

The Impact of Stonewalling

The person on the receiving end of stonewalling feels rejected, worthless, and intensely frustrated. Because communication becomes impossible, problem-solving is blocked and emotional disconnection in the relationship deepens. Research shows that relationships where stonewalling repeatedly occurs have a very high likelihood of breaking down.

How to Overcome Stonewalling

When emotions run high, it's important to say 'Let's take a break for a moment.' Give yourself at least 20 minutes to self-soothe before attempting to talk again. The key is to express a clear intention to come back and continue the conversation.

A word from Mindy: There are moments when you may feel like building a wall around your heart. But that wall, while it may feel protective, might actually be pushing away the people who matter most to you. Even if you need a pause, find the courage to open the door again.